order GUILTY - Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on
America
MUSLIMS: 'WE DO THAT ON FIRST DATES'
April 29, 2009
Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted "torture" and have irreparably harmed America's image abroad.
Only the second of those alleged facts is true: The president's release of the Department of Justice interrogation memos undoubtedly hurt America's image abroad, as we are snickered at in capitals around the world, where they know what real torture is. The Arabs surely view these memos as a pack of lies. What about the pills Americans have to turn us gay?
The techniques used against the most stalwart al-Qaida members, such as Abu Zubaydah, included one terrifying procedure referred to as "the attention grasp." As described in horrifying detail in the Justice Department memo, the "attention grasp" consisted of:
"(G)rasping the individual with both hands, one hand on each side of the collar opening, in a controlled and quick motion. In the same motion as the grasp, the individual is drawn toward the interrogator."
The end.
There are rumors that Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney wanted to take away the interrogators' Altoids before they administered "the grasp," but Department of Justice lawyers deemed this too cruel.
And that's not all! As the torments were gradually increased, next up the interrogation ladder came "walling." This involves pushing the terrorist against a flexible wall, during which his "head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel that provides a C-collar effect to prevent whiplash."
People pay to have a lot rougher stuff done to them at Six Flags Great Adventure. Indeed, with plastic walls and soft neck collars, "walling" may be the world's first method of "torture" in which all the implements were made by Fisher-Price.
As the memo darkly notes, walling doesn't cause any pain, but is supposed to induce terror by making a "loud noise": "(T)he false wall is in part constructed to create a loud sound when the individual hits it, which will further shock and surprise." (!!!)
If you need a few minutes to compose yourself after being subjected to that horror, feel free to take a break from reading now. Sometimes a cold compress on the forehead is helpful, but don't let it drip or you might end up waterboarding yourself.
The CIA's interrogation techniques couldn't be more ridiculous if they were out of Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch:
Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! ...
Hmm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch ... THE COMFY CHAIR!
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ...
Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11.
Further up the torture ladder -- from Guantanamo, not Monty Python -- comes the "insult slap," which is designed to be virtually painless, but involves the interrogator invading "the individual's personal space."
If that doesn't work, the interrogator shows up the next day wearing the same outfit as the terrorist. (Awkward.)
I will spare you the gruesome details of the CIA's other comical interrogation techniques and leap directly to the penultimate "torture" in their arsenal: the caterpillar.
In this unspeakable brutality, a harmless caterpillar is placed in the terrorist's cell. Justice Department lawyers expressly denied the interrogators' request to trick the terrorist into believing the caterpillar was a "stinging insect."
Human rights groups have variously described being trapped in a cell with a live caterpillar as "brutal," "soul-wrenching" and, of course, "adorable."
If the terrorist manages to survive the non-stinging caterpillar maneuver -- the most fiendish method of torture ever devised by the human mind that didn't involve being forced to watch "The View" -- CIA interrogators had another sadistic trick up their sleeves.
I am not at liberty to divulge the details, except to mention the procedure's terror-inducing name: "the ladybug."
Finally, the most savage interrogation technique at Guantanamo was "waterboarding," which is only slightly rougher than the Comfy Chair.
Thousands of our troops are waterboarded every year as part of their training, but not until it was done to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- mastermind of the 9/11 attack on America -- were liberal consciences shocked.
I think they were mostly shocked because they couldn't figure out how Joey Buttafuoco ended up in Guantanamo.
As non-uniformed combatants, all of the detainees at Guantanamo could have been summarily shot on the battlefield under the Laws of War.
Instead, we gave them comfy chairs, free lawyers, better food than is served in Afghani caves, prayer rugs, recreational activities and top-flight medical care -- including one terrorist who was released, whereupon he rejoined the jihad against America, after being fitted for an expensive artificial leg at Guantanamo, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer.
Only three terrorists -- who could have been shot -- were waterboarded. This is not nearly as bad as "snowboarding," which is known to cause massive buttocks pain and results in approximately 10 deaths per year.
Normal human beings -- especially those who grew up with my older brother, Jimmy -- can't read the interrogation memos without laughing.
At Al-Jazeera, they don't believe these interrogation memos are for real. Muslims look at them and say: THIS IS ALL THEY'RE DOING? We do that for practice. We do that to our friends.
But The New York Times is populated with people who can't believe they live in a country where people would put a caterpillar in a terrorist's cell.
COPYRIGHT 2009 ANN COULTER
DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
1130 Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106
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| QUOTATIONS FROM CHAIRMAN ANN |
| May 1, 2009, 4:43 PM |
| COULTER ON LARRY KING LIVE TONIGHT -
-- 9-9:30 CNN's Larry King Live -- Sunday Night 10pm -- FNC's Geraldo with Kimberly Guilfoyle |
| May 1, 2009, 8:44 AM |
| LISTEN TO THIS 10-MINUTE BROADCAST! - YOUTUBE: Reagan on National Health Care |
| May 1, 2009, 2:43 AM |
| THE TIME MAGAZINE 100 MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE - Sarah Palin by Ann Coulter |
| April 30, 2009, 2:08 PM |
| COULTER TO SPEAK AT COLUMBIA UNIV, MONDAY, 5/4 - 8:00pm Altschul Auditorium (417 IAB) |
| April 30, 2009, 1:57 PM |
| So Can We Abort Professor Joel Reidenberg? - What Fordham Knows About Justice Scalia |
| April 30, 2009, 11:28 AM |
| Democrats Call For Baton Control - Girl fights off thugs with marching band baton |
| April 30, 2009, 10:06 AM |
| Is Obama Crying Wolf? - LA Times: Scientists see this flu strain as relatively mild |
| April 29, 2009, 4:57 PM |
| EXAMPLES OF INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES AT GITMO - Monty Python - Spanish Inquisition Torture Scene |
| April 29, 2009, 1:59 PM |
| - |
| April 29, 2009, 1:28 PM |
| SURPRISE! - This morning, Arlen Specter defected to the Kurd Party. |
| April 29, 2009, 11:58 AM |
| IN CASE YOU MISSED IT - VIDEO: Ann Coulter on Geraldo 4/25 |
| April 29, 2009, 3:15 AM |
| THANK YOU, MEMORIAL SLOAN KETTERING! -
***Make A Gift*** |
| April 29, 2009, 2:28 AM |
| OBAMA IS THE 2D LEAST POPULAR PRESIDENT IN 40 YEARS - EDITORIAL: Barack's in the basement |
| April 29, 2009, 1:23 AM |
| I wonder if Maria da Silva Considers Waterboarding 'Torture' - Brazil man's penis severed by girlfriend |
| April 29, 2009, 1:19 AM |
| Here's a Secularist I Like! - The ACLU: Self-Righteous Fools and Fascistic Bullies |
| April 29, 2009, 1:06 AM |
| Arlen Specter Finally Grasps the Obvious -
Pat Toomey's Response to Senator Specter's Party Switch Specter Saw His Poll Numbers Drop on Friday and Switched Parties on Tuesday |
| April 29, 2009, 1:04 AM |
| Michael Fumento on Swine Flu - PONDERING PIG FLU PANIC |
| April 27, 2009, 3:25 PM |
| MAY 19 -- CA SPECIAL ELECTION, 32ND DIST - HERNANDEZ FOR U.S. CONGRESS |
| April 26, 2009, 5:51 PM |
| Nora O'Donnell: The Smartest Person at MSNBC! - br>
Liz Cheney Plays 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" With Someone Who Obviously Isn't:Liz Cheney and Norah O'Donnell 'discuss' interrogation memos< |
| April 25, 2009, 7:26 PM |
| COULTER ON FNC'S GERALDO 10PM SAT NIGHT - |
| April 25, 2009, 4:18 PM |
| The Truth Commission We Need - Stuart Taylor: Did Torture Save Lives? |
| April 23, 2009, 11:49 PM |
| Another Gay Giving Gays a Bad Name - Gay Student Asked to Step Down From Leadership Post with Christian Group |
| April 23, 2009, 2:44 PM |
| Andrew Klavan on Liberal Argumentation - VIDEO: Klavan On The Culture |
| April 22, 2009, 3:32 AM |
| Enhanced Interrogations Saved the Tallest Building in L.A -
But on the other hand, we put a caterpillar in a terrorist's cell . . . WAPO: The CIA's Questioning Worked "The Obama administration released pages of unredacted classified information on the techniques used to question captured terrorist leaders but pulled out its black marker when it came to the details of what those interrogations achieved.. . . "President Obama's decision to release these documents is one of the most dangerous and irresponsible acts ever by an American president during a time of war -- and Americans may die as a result." |
| April 21, 2009, 1:23 AM |
| Finally, A Global Warming Study I Believe! - http://sweetness-light.com/archive/shocker-fat-people-cause-global-warming |
| April 18, 2009, 12:56 PM |
| From the Party of Reagan to the Party of McCain - McCain Strategist Warns GOP Risks Becoming 'Religious Party' |
| April 17, 2009, 5:26 PM |
| IN CASE YOU MISSED IT . . . - VIDEO: Ann Coulter on Geraldo Tax Day Tea Parties |
| April 17, 2009, 3:17 PM |
| More from The Onion - Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide |
| April 17, 2009, 3:13 PM |
| The Onion (amazing this hasn't been done before): - Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie |
| April 16, 2009, 4:48 PM |
| Today's Recommended Column, Surprisingly From the LA Times - Ned Rice: The crucial need for the 'War on Terror' |
| April 13, 2009, 12:59 AM |
| Fascinating Article About an Important Music Group - NYT: Bring Out Your Dead |
| April 12, 2009, 1:47 AM |
| PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT - VIDEO: Tax Day Reminder for Obama Administration |
| April 11, 2009, 1:06 AM |
| Andrew McCarthy on Obama's Muscular Response to Pirate Hostage Takers - Pirates Test the 'Rule of Law' |
| April 10, 2009, 11:37 AM |
| OBAMA ERA DRINKING GAME: SATIRE OR NOT? - Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community |
| April 10, 2009, 11:32 AM |
| More Lies About the Hollywood Blacklist - WSJ: He Worked in This Town Again
. . . the first time a blacklistee was openly brought back into the Hollywood fold actually came almost a decade earlier with the rehabilitation of 42-year-old director and former communist Edward Dmytryk. A young Ronald Reagan, of all people, was substantially responsible. . . . . . . the party had twisted his legal battle into a First Amendment issue so as to demonize congressional investigations. "It was like everything else the communists do," [Dmytryk] told the Saturday Evening Post. "They would go into a lynching case, but instead of trying to help the Negroes, what they are really after is to use the incident to stir up still more trouble. The Negroes don't matter -- they're just a means to an end." |
| April 10, 2009, 2:34 AM |
| COULTER ON GERALDO SAT NIGHT, APRIL 11 - |
| Item Archives |
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MUSLIMS: 'WE DO THAT ON FIRST DATES'
April 29, 2009
Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted "torture" and have irreparably harmed America's image abroad.
Only the second of those alleged facts is true: The president's release of the Department of Justice interrogation memos undoubtedly hurt America's image abroad, as we are snickered at in capitals around the world, where they know what real torture is. The Arabs surely view these memos as a pack of lies. What about the pills Americans have to turn us gay?
The techniques used against the most stalwart al-Qaida members, such as Abu Zubaydah, included one terrifying procedure referred to as "the attention grasp." As described in horrifying detail in the Justice Department memo, the "attention grasp" consisted of:
"(G)rasping the individual with both hands, one hand on each side of the collar opening, in a controlled and quick motion. In the same motion as the grasp, the individual is drawn toward the interrogator."
The end.
There are rumors that Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney wanted to take away the interrogators' Altoids before they administered "the grasp," but Department of Justice lawyers deemed this too cruel.
And that's not all! As the torments were gradually increased, next up the interrogation ladder came "walling." This involves pushing the terrorist against a flexible wall, during which his "head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel that provides a C-collar effect to prevent whiplash."
People pay to have a lot rougher stuff done to them at Six Flags Great Adventure. Indeed, with plastic walls and soft neck collars, "walling" may be the world's first method of "torture" in which all the implements were made by Fisher-Price.
As the memo darkly notes, walling doesn't cause any pain, but is supposed to induce terror by making a "loud noise": "(T)he false wall is in part constructed to create a loud sound when the individual hits it, which will further shock and surprise." (!!!)
If you need a few minutes to compose yourself after being subjected to that horror, feel free to take a break from reading now. Sometimes a cold compress on the forehead is helpful, but don't let it drip or you might end up waterboarding yourself.
The CIA's interrogation techniques couldn't be more ridiculous if they were out of Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch:
Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! ...
Hmm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch ... THE COMFY CHAIR!
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ...
Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11.
Further up the torture ladder -- from Guantanamo, not Monty Python -- comes the "insult slap," which is designed to be virtually painless, but involves the interrogator invading "the individual's personal space."
If that doesn't work, the interrogator shows up the next day wearing the same outfit as the terrorist. (Awkward.)
I will spare you the gruesome details of the CIA's other comical interrogation techniques and leap directly to the penultimate "torture" in their arsenal: the caterpillar.
In this unspeakable brutality, a harmless caterpillar is placed in the terrorist's cell. Justice Department lawyers expressly denied the interrogators' request to trick the terrorist into believing the caterpillar was a "stinging insect."
Human rights groups have variously described being trapped in a cell with a live caterpillar as "brutal," "soul-wrenching" and, of course, "adorable."
If the terrorist manages to survive the non-stinging caterpillar maneuver -- the most fiendish method of torture ever devised by the human mind that didn't involve being forced to watch "The View" -- CIA interrogators had another sadistic trick up their sleeves.
I am not at liberty to divulge the details, except to mention the procedure's terror-inducing name: "the ladybug."
Finally, the most savage interrogation technique at Guantanamo was "waterboarding," which is only slightly rougher than the Comfy Chair.
Thousands of our troops are waterboarded every year as part of their training, but not until it was done to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- mastermind of the 9/11 attack on America -- were liberal consciences shocked.
I think they were mostly shocked because they couldn't figure out how Joey Buttafuoco ended up in Guantanamo.
As non-uniformed combatants, all of the detainees at Guantanamo could have been summarily shot on the battlefield under the Laws of War.
Instead, we gave them comfy chairs, free lawyers, better food than is served in Afghani caves, prayer rugs, recreational activities and top-flight medical care -- including one terrorist who was released, whereupon he rejoined the jihad against America, after being fitted for an expensive artificial leg at Guantanamo, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer.
Only three terrorists -- who could have been shot -- were waterboarded. This is not nearly as bad as "snowboarding," which is known to cause massive buttocks pain and results in approximately 10 deaths per year.
Normal human beings -- especially those who grew up with my older brother, Jimmy -- can't read the interrogation memos without laughing.
At Al-Jazeera, they don't believe these interrogation memos are for real. Muslims look at them and say: THIS IS ALL THEY'RE DOING? We do that for practice. We do that to our friends.
But The New York Times is populated with people who can't believe they live in a country where people would put a caterpillar in a terrorist's cell.
COPYRIGHT 2009 ANN COULTER
DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
1130 Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106





